Category: Uncategorized

First thing’s first. I am not writing this to accuse you or berate you. I am not coming here to tell you everything you’re doing wrong. I am not telling you that your experience would be WILDLY different and better if you would just do this one thing. I am about to write to you about a societal endemic – NONE of this is your fault. You are the victim here and it’s really not ok.

You are being failed as a mother. You are being failed as a woman actually but right now I want to tell you that society is absolutely failing you as a mother. 

You are being served a vision of motherhood that is totally and utterly void of connection. In a time where we as humans are the most “connected” we have ever been, the world is at your fingertips, in the very palm of your hand you’re told that you hold the answers to everything you could possibly need. This is a lie. And it’s a lie that people are falling for. 

As recently as when our grandmothers were becoming mothers, there was a community surrounding them and their early motherhood experiences. They were supported by their own mothers, sisters, friends, daughters, cousins and other members of their communities. The childbirth room was a woman’s domain and women’s wisdom filled their ears from birth to death. A postpartum woman was cared for and checked on by professionals and community members alike. Although I am not one to be nostalgic for past decades, which certainly had their own problems, I am deeply deeply nostalgic for sisterhood. 

And this is where you are being failed. You’re being failed by your sisters. We are failing you. In these big cities, away from our families, away from our communities, we have fallen into the trap of believing that our autonomy is the only good thing. We are strong, independent women who don’t need help. We are resourceful and we are independently wealthy (thank god) and we know how to do absolutely anything we need to do. And YES, I thank all the gods that here we are like this and we have the freedom and autonomy to do whatever we wish with our beautiful, short, intense lives but, but….

…That part of you that aches when you see a day stretching before you inside your apartment alone with your baby, that’s the part of you that longs for connection… 

…The trauma you feel at the sterile room you gave life and birth in, the flinch at the thought of the professionals masked and cold who surrounded you, that’s the part of you that was starved for connection…

…The mind numbing social media scrolling you do once your child is asleep, feeling yourself comparing and contrasting the beautiful bright lives of the motherhood influencers in your screen with your lonely reality, that’s the part of both you and that influencer that pines for a real in person bloody connection… 

Your sisters have failed you and they in turn have been failed. They don’t know how to support you, they don’t know how to love you in a real, tangible, in person way. Our midwives have been institutionalised (and there will ALWAYS be midwives called to their work who fight against this institutionalisation) our wise women have been removed from our communities into retirement homes, our maidens have been sucked even further into a virtual world where they are fighting to find themselves and the mothers are left floundering alone in homes with their children, disconnected, isolated and adrift. 

Pre-covid our mother circles and bumps to babies groups were full. Those places are where I met all of my friends in those early days with my baby. We basically lived in each other’s houses, surviving off of tea and biscuits and I rarely had a day where I didn’t see someone. I live in a small, village-like area of Paris and everyone I knew lived a short walk away. Now, covid seems to have produced a cohort of mothers who have been so traumatised by lockdowns, travel restrictions and isolation that it’s incredibly difficult to get a group of them together. Through absolutely no fault of their own, women have been further programmed to believe that they can do absolutely anything alone. 

And they shouldn’t fucking have to. You shouldn’t have to be doing any of this alone. I wish for you everything that I had, every beautiful connection. Because I HAD women surrounding me and it was still the hardest thing I ever did. Now I strive to be that connection for the mothers I come into contact with. It’s my reason. I’m that stranger who smiles at mums on the bus and encourages the public breastfeeder and chats with the mothers in the supermarket and I will never ever stop striving for connection. 

I just don’t want you to settle for anything less than authentic, beautiful, powerful connection. I want you to be able to seek out and receive sisterhood support. I want you to know deeply that the para-social connections you have from watching peoples highly edited motherhood experiences on social media are not what connection is about. I want you to get to a local mother baby circle, or an intergenerational women’s circle. Connect Connect Connect. 

From June, I’ll be hosting mother and baby circles and intergenerational women’s circles in the West of Paris.

Message Paris has a network of bumps to babies groups.

Petit foret Paris has masses of opportunities and classes to attend. 

Petit Paris Playgroup has play sessions you can sign up for.

And of course, nothing is stopping you from hosting your own open houses, mothers groups, crafting circles and anything you want. Let’s show up in person in sisterhood, motherhood and beyond. 

On the 11th of January 2019, just after my youngest son had turned two, I woke up and realised that something was very very wrong. I was in total postnatal depletion. Now looking back I cannot believe it took me so long to notice. Did I really believe everything had been fine? That this was what every mum with two young children felt like, looked like, dealt with?

At this point, my youngest son had only ever slept in 45 minute blocks. He woke up at least every hour over night, had never spent a single night in his crib, needed to be touching me at every moment. He took over two hours to get to sleep every night and had to be pushed back and forth in his pram for most of that time until he drifted off. I lived in a different country from all of my family, my husband worked nights in a busy bar and all of my friends had tiny babies of their own to look after. Every time I spoke to someone about what my life looked like, I got suggestions back about how to fix my son’s sleep – sending me into a spiral of guilt and belief that I was failing my children. I had never felt so alone.

My skin was grey, I barely ate and when I did it was something quick, my body ached, I had gained weight and my hair had fallen out so badly that I had a bald patch the size of a digestive biscuit in the front of my head. Once, when dropping off my kids at the creche, I burst into tears and the directrice told me that I should talk to a psychologist because I wasn’t coping with motherhood very well. I was anxious, argumentative, using wine to unwind in the evening once my son had finally fallen into his first sleep block of the night (a habit I had to go to war against to get rid of eventually). I got absolutely no exercise whatsoever and frankly, barely left my apartment.

There’s no kind way to say this. I was absolutely fucked.

Ironically I also had a two year old business that I had launched to feed and look after new mums because I had seen OTHER MOTHERS struggling to feed themselves and cope when my eldest son was a baby. The business was going from strength to strength because I had hit such a gap in the market – mothers were being left to fend for themselves, alone, tired, malnourished and frightened. In those first two years I was feeding three to six families a week. My children were happy, well cared for, raised in a Montessori home environment that I was obsessed with, well fed. They played with homemade play doh and wooden toys and had a beautiful early childhood while I wilted away beside them. It took me another year to do anything at all about it.

By the time COVID arrived on the scene, I was a shell of myself. Rather than spend confinement shut away in our tiny apartment, I took the kids to my parents house in the English countryside where finally and very slowly, I began to heal.

Was moving into my parents house as a 29 year old mother of two the easiest thing I’ve ever done? No. By that point I had not lived at home with my parents for ten years. I love my parents but we don’t enjoy living together for longer than about four days. My boys and I were there for three months. My mum and dad opened their home to us, no question and threw themselves into grand-parenting through a pandemic. It was the first time I had ever had consistent help with my children, the first time I had someone take them while I slept in, the first time that someone else took them out for a walk without me. For the first time since my youngest was born, I could breathe. I spent long days doing nothing at all but watch my children play in the garden. I made beautiful food again and started photographing it and slowly I started the course that would eventually lead my to my doula work.

This was the moment that I knew things had to change for me. I needed to start clawing my way back to health. If, when I went back to Paris, things didn’t change, I would die. I knew that. I cannot explain how unwell I was. My anxiety had reached such terrifying levels, my self care was non existent, I was nourishing everyone around me but ignoring my own needs. Not placing enough value on myself and my needs was killing me.

This is the part where I can’t quite tell you what I did because I don’t really remember that well. I don’t really know what that first thing was that hauled me out of the pit. But here’s a list of subsequent things I did to get better and after that list I’ll share what I do now to keep myself well.

• I got a therapist. I found someone over instagram who worked remotely because I knew that if I had to get myself to an office once a week, I would not do it.
• I started reading again. Not parenting books, not self help books, not anything to do with work. I started reading cheap Kindle fantasy romance. The stuff I read at the beginning was the easiest, shortest books I could find. They weren’t very good, but they were easy, engaging reads and for someone who used to read two books a week pre-kids, it felt like a lifeline back to the old me.
• I started drinking water. I had practically stopped drinking anything but coffee or wine. I bought a water bottle and started forcing myself to drink water.
• I stopped doing EVERYTHING that stressed me out. I know this seems impossible but what I really mean is that I let go of some standards. If I was too tired to do laundry, I didn’t do it. If the kids wanted to watch TV I let them. If I couldn’t make anything but scrambled eggs for dinner, that’s what we ate.
• I became TERRIBLE at reading and responding to messages, emails and whattsapp. There is no reason whatsoever that you need to make yourself 100% available to people all day long. You can not answer messages. You can not pick up your phone. Before and during COVID between every social media platform, work and all of the mum whattsapp groups, my phone was going off sometimes nearly 500 times a day. I turned it all off, muted every conversation.
• I only ever went to an event or a meet up if I REALLY REALLY wanted to go. Everything else, I let go of.
• I let go of my son’s sleep problems. The only way he slept was curled up against me in my bed so I stopped trying to get him to sleep in his bed. I let him sleep next to me and I embraced getting into bed at 7pm. I prioritised sleep for myself.
• I hired a cleaner. She worked for us for three hours a week and it was the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. Parenting does not include house work as part of the job description. I had a job and I had my kids to look after. I paid someone else to do the housework.
• I started working with an online personal trainer. He was – and is – incredible. His philosophy was perfectly inline with what I needed, to love and care for my body without how it looked being a factor. I worked with this trainer on and off for three years and he’s now a friend. You can find his website here: www.michaelulloa.com

All of that list really means is that I started pulling the focus back to myself. At every possible opportunity I did the thing that would benefit me, my body, my mind. I chose myself over and over again until I felt a shift, until the world came back into focus slightly. And then I chose myself again. When things felt shitty and hard I chose the next right thing for myself. I changed my work path to be more aligned with what I wanted from the world and to offer the world. I finally listened to the small still voice within.

Here I am four years after that realisation that I really really wasn’t OK. Are things perfect? Of course not – I’m a small business owner and the mother of a seven year old and a five year old in a difficult economy in one of the most expensive cities in the world. But I’m healthy and I’ve found everything I need within myself to ride any storm. The things I do now to keep myself healthy look different to what I used to get myself out of the pit, but there are some things I’ll never let go of.

• I am getting better at delegating. We no longer have a cleaner but I do NOT do everything. Everyone in my home has their own jobs and they do them. It’s a non-negotiable. We all live here, we all care for our environment.
• I drink so much water.
• I have rhythms for myself and my children that mean all of our needs are met and there’s no stress in our mornings or evenings.
• I have a very intense skincare and hair care routine – you won’t catch me bald again!
• I pay attention to what I eat and try to sync my meals to my cycle. I pay attention to my cycle in general and try really really hard to make sure that I’m living my best cyclic life.
• I don’t take any hormonal birth control. I use a fertility tracker called DAYSY, which I’ll be writing more about soon.
• I eat intuitively. If you’ve never heard of intuitive eating, I really recommend it and there’s lots of great information out there about how to get started.
• I read every day. Mostly before bed, whilst avoiding my electronics. It makes me feel like the person I was before children.
• I go to bed early (it’s a running joke with my friends that they’ll never get hold of me after 9pm) and I sleep at least eight hours a night. My son, who is now five has just started sleeping through the night a couple of weeks ago!
• I am still crap at answering messages.
• I am selective about who I work with. I will only work with someone if I know that our energies are a good match.
• I protect my peace at any cost.

Within this are a million other little self care practices. I go to the gym 4-5 times a week to lift weights, I lie on my acupressure mat every night, I’m obsessive about taking my supplements and making my bed and moisturising. And if any of this seems excessive, I can tell you with absolute certainty that it’s so much better than the place I inhabited for so long where I didn’t give a single shit about myself, where I was so unwell that I couldn’t find the energy to eat, where food didn’t even taste good anymore, where every ounce of myself was given away to someone else. This is better.

And if you’re in that place, that pit where you can’t see the woman you used to be, can’t remember what feeling good feels like, please remember that there is a ladder, and it does get better and there is light and a good life at the other end of this. Please reach out. To me or to a therapist or to your mum or your partner. Just tell one person “I’m not ok actually.” because I promise that the other side of this is beautiful.

Suggested reading:
– The postnatal depletion cure by Oscar Sellerach
– The fourth trimester by Kimberley Ann Johnson
– Reclaiming childbirth as a rite of passage by Rachel Reed
– Quit like a woman by Holly Whitaker
– Women who run with the wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estés 

Congratulations! If you’re reading this you’re probably pregnant and intending to breastfeed your baby. Breastfeeding is hugely beneficial – not just for your baby, but for you too. The reasons why some women breastfeed and some don’t are deeply personal but just some of the benefits are that it’s great for your baby, it’s good for you, it’s free (always a plus these days!) and, once you’re through the very early difficult days, it’s also good for your mental health. As any of the mums I work with will tell you, your mental health is always the priority!

1. LEARN HOW BREASTFEEDING WORKS
   Many new mums are very surprised to find out that breastfeeding, something that they assumed would be natural and instinctive, takes some time to learn. You and your baby are both new at this and it’s sometimes tricky at the beginning. During pregnancy, take some time to learn the anatomy and facts of how breastfeeding works. There are some fantastic resources out there which I highly recommend, here are a few to consider:
   The Positive Breastfeeding Book by Amy Brown.
   The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding by La Leche League International
   KellyMom
2. FIND YOUR SUPPORT TEAM
   If you’re intending on breastfeeding, you’ll probably already have realised that there’s a huge amount of pressure and advice out there, lots of which is outdated and some of which is seriously misguided. Finding qualified professionals in your area before your baby is born is a great idea so you’re not tearfully panicking and searching online at 3am when your nipples are sore and you’ve not had enough sleep. If you have a doula she might be qualified to help, and she will certainly have a list of Lactation Consultants, Breastfeeding Councellors and Peer Supporters that she has worked with. We know that mums who are supported in their breastfeeding manage to breastfeed for much longer than mums who don’t get any support.
3. PREPARE YOUR PARTNER
   Partner support is so important for breastfeeding success. If this is your first baby it’s more than likely that your partner doesn’t know anything at all about breastfeeding. If this is the case, including them in your learning, making sure they know what the early weeks will look like, and pinning your support team list up on the fridge will help them be able to feel prepared, involved and ready to support you.
4. INVEST
   I am not referring to spending loads of money on the latest breastfeeding gadget, apps that track your feeding schedule, gear that promises to make it easier to know what to do…
   I AM talking about investing in basic things that can help you through this period of learning and adjustment. My breastfeeding essentials list is pretty basic, but as with anything – you’ll realise more what you need once you’re in it.
   – A prenatal breastfeeding class for you and your partner
   – A lactation consultant consultation in the first few days postpartum
   – Comfy nursing bras. I like these.
   – Re-usable bamboo or cotton breast pads like these. You can use them as makeup removers when you’ve finished breastfeeding!
   – A water bottle with a straw that goes to the bottom of the bottle. You are going to be very thirsty while breastfeeding in the early days. Make your water as accessible as possible.

On top of these four steps for preparing to breastfeed, an independent study has found that families who had Doula support postnatally, had a 98.2% breastfeeding rate compared to 78.7% for those without Doula support. If you’re considering hiring a doula, please visit my Services page to find out more about how I can help support you postnatally.

Autumn is finally here! Transitions between the seasons are my absolute favourite in Paris. The beginning of Autumn is so special here before the seemingly endless grey winter sets in. Over here, candles are lit, there’s an apple crumble a week being devoured and we are embracing the season change hard.

To celebrate this cosy autumn feeling I thought I’d share with you my two absolute favourite autumn soups. I’ve been making them lately for my clients to some rave reviews and the absolute simplicity of them means that they’re loved by adults and kids alike. Soup is such a brilliant food for postpartum as it’s hydrating, soft and easy to digest, you can spice it however you like, its deeply warming and nourishing and it’s just so easy to make.

Butternut Squash & Coral Lentil Soup

• 1 large butternut squash

• 1 medium potato

• 1/2 an onion

• 1 tbsp curry powder

• 1.5L chicken or veggie stock

• 2 tbsp coral lentils

• 100ml coconut milk

This is the absolute easiest soup to make as you just put all the ingredients except the coconut milk into a large casserole, cook for an hour to an hour and a half, add the coconut milk and blend! It has the most delicious creamy texture and gorgeous orange colour. Our boys like to slurp it with straws & we sometimes chuck some crunchy curry croutons on top.

Parsnip, White Bean and Sage Soup

• 3 large parsnips

• 1 medium potato

• 1.5L chicken or veggie stock

• 400g can of white beans

• Five to ten sage leaves (depending on how strong you like it!)

Again, we like soups that are just combine, cook and blend and this one is no exception. Cook the parsnips and potatoes in the stock until soft, add the white beans and sage leaves and blend!

Autumn and winter tend to be the busy seasons in our home what with school, holidays, lots of work, gearing up for the Christmas season and just normal family life. I try to keep our meals as simple and easy as possible to make. The slow cooker comes out of the cupboard to its permanent winter place on the kitchen counter.

What are you cooking this autumn?

When people speak to families with young babies “How do they sleep?” is never far from being asked. Sleep is such a focus in the early years, mostly around not getting enough.

Right now we are on a sleep journey. I am not currently getting a lot of sleep; I’m actually writing this from my bed where I just enjoyed my Monday lie-in (until 8.30!). But yes, not a lot of sleep happening for me right now. I won’t lie, I’ve been struggling a little – I’m not someone who needs a massive amount of sleep but at the moment we’re waking probably around every forty five minutes to an hour through the night.

This is new territory for me. Arthur slept through the night from around six months old. He napped like a champion practically to the minute every single day. What an amazing parent I was! I did everything right, I had the perfect baby! Turns out, he’s just like his dad and could sleep through nuclear apocalypse. Fred is not that child. I’m trying to lean in to it, take every day as it comes and just do what’s necessary to get through. Right now this is what it looks like:

• Co-sleeping when we need to. Fred goes into his bed in his and Arthur’s room at 19h. It’s taken WEEKS to get him to do that. Before he would just wake up the moment we put him down. Now he will sleep in there from around 19h to 22h-midnight. After that he generally won’t go back down in his own bed so we co-sleep until the morning (this is the part where he wakes up every hour.)

• Going to bed early. I go to bed between 21-22h every night. It’s a sad, old lady thing to do but it basically ensures that I get SOME sleep.

• Embracing this season. It won’t be like this forever – I’m choosing to believe that, to lean into it, to take care of myself and my family within this rather than bending it to my will. And there are a myriad of reasons why I won’t try to bend this sleep situation to my will, not yet anyway. I’m trusting that Fred’s doing what he needs to do for now and that he’ll sleep when he’s ready.

Honestly, as someone who loves rhythm, routine and predictability, it’s taking a lot for me to let go of control on this one. I’d love to wave a wand and have two boys sleeping happily in their beds in their bedroom. I’d love to have a clear step by step solution to apply to this but nothing is making itself apparent right now.

We’re doing ok. We’re powering through. We’re accepting help. We’re being kind to ourselves. And that’s all any of us can really do!